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Silly Stuff (and some not so silly) I Probably Shouldn't Put On A Website . . . but I will anyway
There are jokes, sayings, memories, items that from time to time I find that are just too good not to share. . . but of course, they don't "belong" on a serious website . . . so I created this page. You don't have to look at it - it's mainly for me - (saves me sending it via email to all my friends - they can just look here when they have the time or inclination) and maybe somebody else out there in Mallory Land will enjoy it with me. If you find something funny that has you laughing out loud, send it on. . . If it is clean and I laugh (ponder or cry) too . . . I'll put it here. Your webmaster, Mary
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This will make you cry . . .
(sent to me by John
Pieroni)
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There was once a man and
woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything.
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls." |
| A
stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? |
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Subject: fifty dollars Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars" One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!" |
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but the Government is trying to correct the problem.
| Time
Efficiency”
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said. "Why not?" he was asked. "Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'" He paused. "Did that save time?" one of the executives asked. "Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes." |
| Two patients
limp into two different medical clinics, with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking, and appear to
require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! |
Today's Quote
"None are so
empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson
| Fun website sent to us by BJ Ware |
I removed some old stuff off of this page and had several emails wanting it again - so now instead of just deleting it, sometimes I will move it into the:
ARCHIVES